Jihad: Part one.
by Alan Smithee
Summary: Is it possible to make a successful Final Fantasy fic without any major characters or the person writing it in major roles?
1. Default Chapter Title

Chapter One.  
  
"You find yourself a bit out of sorts, but you've crossed over with no harm. A sign catches your eye..."  
  
April 24.  
  
"Greetings, class!" Ah, instructor Trepe, how many times did you ride Squall until he reinstated you? "Now, I know some rumors have been circulating..." Let me guess. One of the Trepies knocked you up, didn't they? "Yes, the SeeD written exam is today." YEAH! Finally, I'll be able to prove my worth, show my studies weren't wasted. "Here are your tests..." okay. This will be quick. "Yes, No, Yes, Yes, Yes, No, No, Yes, No, No." Damn, that was easy. Are they TRYING to make anyone a SeeD? Eh, screw it. I'll be a SeeD, who gives a flying fuck who else is one? Let's see, I think I'm first done...  
"Um, I'm finished."   
"Okay, just hand it in up here. You're free until your next class." ZANG! What should I do....Hmmm. Let's check the board... "Garden Festival Committee Now looking for help...." Pass. "Join the Balamb Garden Cheerleading Squad!" Excuse me, you don't have a SPORTS team... "Twilight Zone episodes in library! Free coffee!" I am SO there...  
  
Ah, just starting. Hmmm, not bad episode. Coffee's sub-par, but hey, it's free. What should I have expected? Looks like it's just ended.  
"I see the first episode of this has done quite well. Hello, my name's Jossef Sure. I just transferred here from Trabia, where this was averaging 10-15 people a week. As a result, I think I can do very well here. At the very least, my old friend Selphie told me that everyone here joined up with her Garden Festival committee..." Yeah, because Squall made it a Commander's order to do so... "So, let me just get a few passages from my favorite of these books..." Is he pulling out the Bible? "Ah, are you familiar with the works?"  
"My one question is, that if they allow all these things, why do you have to be in that religion? Why not just be good and they would follow?"  
"Well, let's just say that a guy rapes your sister. The judge says 'Well, I'm a good person, he goes free.' Is that wrong?"  
"Well, not as wrong as the Biblical punishment; then my sister would be forced to marry the scumbag."  
"Hmmm. Well, I'm also trying to start up a Bible study here. You should come."  
"I might. The quest for any knowledge is the purest route to take." If only I had listened to that advice...  
  
May 11.  
  
"Excellent! Today they announce the people who passed!" Oh, you haven't met the other guy? That's my bud Steve. He usually was just known as "Jogging Man" here, but ever since he joined me and Jossef, he's refused to answer to that.  
"Let us pray for our names on the list...well, yours. I already recieved word a few weeks before I transferred here that I passed and am assured a spot on the list." We headed to the list.  
"Oh, look! Irvine, Rinoa, and Seifer are at the top of the list! I WONDER how that happened?" I said.  
"Didn't Irvine only get a 60 on the Level 1 test?" Steve asked.  
"Yeah, but that's the rule. Irvine and Rinoa will be SeeDs because they're in the Six, Seifer will get in because he engages frequently in 'Original Sin' with Quistis."  
"Ah, I see the Trepies all got through the written tests. Gee, is this the SeeD finalists or a list of the people Quistis Trepe has gotten Biblical with in the past year?" Jossef replied.  
"I wouldn't be too sure..."  
"Why?"  
"We made the cut." I don't remember too much about that. Me and Steve taking a victory lap around the Garden. Next thing I knew, we were at the cafeteria celebrating with some other people who passed when we heard a scream.  
  
"OH DEAR GOD NO!" I recognized the voice. One of the library girls. We ran to the library to check out the problem. "Come on, please be all right..." Zell rushed to the library.  
"Jen? what's the problem?"   
"Well, me, Jocelyn, and Sera were celebrating passing the written test. Sera tried to get some more experience with a GF....WHY??AREN'T GF'S SAFE?"Jen sobbed. We checked out the area. It was safe. She apparently went to her just reward. We saw Xu standing over the lifeless body doing some tests.  
"Well? Do you see anything wrong?" Zell asked.  
"Nope. No injuries, so the GF didn't suddenly turn on her. Have Dr.Kadowaki check her out and determine if she was using any drugs or anything..." Xu replied. One of a library girls burst into tears and left the room. "...although I sincerely doubt that possibility." We left the room quickly.  
  
"Well, what do you think happened?" I asked.  
"Typical GF accident. I hear that there are some cases where if a GF is completely incompatible, they'll actually siphon hit points from the person who's using it..." Steve replied.  
"That's not how it occurs..." Jossef replied.  
"What's the problem with it?" I asked.  
"It should be obvious to us all. GF's may give you earthly strength, but they have their dark side; memory loss, and..."  
"What?"  
"Do you notice the appearance of some of them? Like demons. If you become too compatible with one, the GF will slowly take up more and more of your brain area until eventually, the GF eats your soul."   
"Well, do you assume that this happened to Sera?" Steve asked.  
"I think so. She's one of the people who I'm really close with on their staff, so I know she lived cleanly, worshipped the same route, that stuff." Jossef replied.  
"Well, is she going to hell now? I mean, a GF did 'eat her soul', if your theory is correct..."  
"No, she's been forgiven as per the main belief."  
"But why not just Down her?"   
"If you use Phoenix Downs, your soul is taken away piece by piece until they don't work anymore. It's because of this that I use a seperate form..." Jossef pulled out a flask. "This concoction, when drank, will make you completely revived without having to lose your soul. It's much weaker than a Phoenix Down, but still..."   
"Why don't you use it?"  
"Doesn't work in 'Soul Absorb' cases." We proceeded to walk toward our dorms. 


	2. Default Chapter Title

Prologue.  
  
"The horror...The horror..."  
  
I should have recognized this immediately.  
  
Why was I so fucking stupid? I'm too smart to act like this! Hanging out by the library as often as humanly possible, preaching my views on this stuff to anyone who'd listen to me...I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE THIS SHIT! THIS ENTIRE PLACE IS GOING TO HELL AND IT'S...partly...my...fault...  
  
Why did I have to follow this form? Why did I have to let knowledge run my life? Why the hell did I join up with that idiotic, wanna-bee Disciplinary Committee butt-buddy group in the first place?   
  
Oh, you're not aware about these things? Well, I'll go back to the start of this. Name's D.R. Death. Well, not actually, but the ladies seem to dig it. My real name? Why would I say that stuff...yet? You're more interested in the antics of "Commander Squall" and his clique than the people who no one's heard of. Well, it's been almost a year and they've mostly been kicking it, doing some minor lording over us, the normal stuff you do when you rule over the people. Nope, more stuff has happened recently, and the "Big Six" hasn't even had that much to do with it. This is the harder stuff recently. There's less stuff by them. What, are you afraid? Go read the latest "Rinoa makes Squall (INSERT TRENDY THING HERE)" fic or the latest "The (INSERT RANDOM CHARACTER, PLOT ALWAYS SIMILAR ANYWAYS) Show" fic. This is my story. Welcome to my nightmare.  
  



	3. Default Chapter Title

Chapter 2.  
  
May 19.  
  
Steve.  
  
Today's the day. I've been training for this all my life. Now, it'll work! Me and my homies will get to kick ass all around the world! I'm a little tense. Now, to get my daily appointment.  
(Steve jogged from his dorm to the training center. Once there, he stood silently in one space near the "secret area." Eventually, a T-Rexaur came over, kicked him in the head, and walked away.)  
There, that'll get my cylinders flowing. After you've been kicked in the head by a dinosaur, you feel no other pain for the rest of the day.  
  
Joss.  
  
Dear Lord, Please watch out for my friends and I as we go off to hopefully be able to do your bidding as SeeDs. Ah, that's the stuff. I'd better get these things out of storage. (Joss took out some weird stones and a very long sword.) There. I'll pass these things out to them. Can't have the risk that just occurred with those GF's. Now, let's rock.  
  
Chaz.  
  
Today's the day, man! I'm going into this one a pathetic poindexter who can't get a fair shake around here, I'll leave...a pathetic poindexter who's kicking ass with SeeD! I'd better get set.... (Chaz left his dorm and met up with Joss and Steve.) "What up, jigs?"   
"Absolutely nothing. Listen, I've been able to let us get around that whole 'GF's eat your soul' thing..." Joss took out some strange stones and passed a couple to his friends. "These were in my family for generations. Supposed to be called something like 'Materia' or something like that. Basically, they're a form of really ghetto GF in a stone. Keep us on our game without the loss of anything like that."   
"Whoa, where'd you get the sword?" Steve asked.  
"Once again, an heirloom. Don't know what it's called, all I know is it looks like it'll kick some serious bootay!" Joss replied.  
"Excellent!" Steve said.  
"Maybe we should head over to see where we've drawn," Chaz replied. The three darted off to the entrance hall.  
  
Squall.  
"What did you call me here for?" Squall asked.  
"I called to let you know about the way we're handling this mission. Just because you're commander doesn't mean that you get full run over SeeD choices. You still take orders from me and Edea, just like everyone else here," Cid asked.  
"Well, what do I get?"   
"All that you'll get is two overrides to SeeD of your choice. Read the charter." Cid passed him the rules.  
"WHAT THE FUCK? This says I get three! What are you doing?" Squall shouted.  
"You've gotten one of your three! I let your friend Irvine get into the test with a 60! That's one of your overrides!" Cid replied.  
"Oh, all right. I can handle two," Squall replied.  
"Oh, yeah, just so you know, after that, I can add and subtract people as I choose. Now put these cameras on the SeeDs giving the exam. Be warned: If you don't put the cameras on, all the cadets get on the squad and all the SeeDs on exam get kicked off." Cid gave 7 cameras to Squall.   
"Excellent. Now, let's draw the squads." Cid took a large amount of ping-pong balls, put them into a hat, and mixed them around.  
"Okay, my squad....let's see. Jen..."  
"Oh, yeah! I forgot to tell you! Pull out her and Jocelyn's names," Cid replied. "We have a plan there..."  
  
The Squad announcement.  
  
"WHAT? My name's not on a squad! This must be a mistake!" Jocelyn tried to go for the nearest SeeD before Jen stopped her.  
"Don't worry about it. It's probably a typo or something. I mean, I'm not on it either..." Just then, Zell headed over to them.  
"LADIES! WASSUP?" Zell shouted.  
"This is not the best time. We were left off the squad list..."  
"Oh, yeah! I pulled that one off," Zell said as he shot a "finger-gun" at Jen. "Basically, you're both in."  
"What?" Jocelyn asked.  
"Yeah. I told Cid about the fact that Sera just died, he fixed it so that your written tests were your ticket in. Now, come on, give me some doubletting for this one..." Zell put his hands out, only to get slapped by Jocelyn.  
"Listen, your games can work with her, she's your honey. I'm not, I won't be, and I am honestly appalled!" Jocelyn stormed off.  
"Listen, Jen, you didn't have to loan her any Midol recently, did you?" Zell asked.  
  
"Awesome! Which squad am I on?" Steve asked. Chaz looked at the list.  
"You've drawn.... Quistis's. Squad B."   
"Who am I teamed with?"  
"Seifer's captain. Raijin's the other member. Translation: I sincerely hope you're on your A-Game, motherfucker, or else you'll be on the outside looking in," Chaz replied.  
"What about me?" Joss replied.  
"You are fricking golden! Squad A. Other people: Ellone and one of those Trepie chicks. Chances are you'll be able to dominate. SeeD gets one choice, the Headmaster gets a few in some instances. I think you should get your dancing shoes set!" Chaz replied.  
"What about you, man?" Steve asked.  
"Squad G. Zell's running it. Irvine and one of those dudes from the cafeteria. Irvine's a definite for Zell's pick since he's one of the 'Six' , but I sincerely think I'll have a good chance for a Cid card."  
"Well, let's rock." The three headed towards the entrance.  
  
"Greetings, people." Squall said.  
"Listen up, the Commander's talking!" Zell followed.  
"Today's mission is pretty close to last year's. Another call from Dollet. This time, Esthar's government has been giving some shit to them, attacking and stuff. They called for us to protect them. However, we are good friends with Esthar's government. As such, we called them and had them send their robotic ones close enough to breaking down that they'd phase out and have them as the first wave." Squall got a little more serious. "YOUR MISSION: Destroy these obsolete cyborgs, wait until Dollet's soldiers lay their weapons down, then turn on them to weaken them for the Esthar second wave."  
"YES! Swerve!" Zell yelled.  
"What the hell?" Steve asked.  
"I don't know. He's gone psychotic." The three split into their respective groupings as they all headed towards Dollet.  
  
Joss (Squad A.)  
  
"So, Sis, are you set?" Squall asked.  
"Um, yeah. Great job there. I didn't want to go after Uncle Laguna's troops either." Ellone replied.  
"Don't worry. Have you been doing much for the work?"  
"Why would I need to?" Ellone asked. Joss turned to the other squad member. "Just to make sure, we both know we have no chance of getting onto SeeD with this, right?"   
"With that attitude, of course not!" his teammate replied. "I know I'll handle this one."  
"Listen, that might have worked if you were with Quisty, but Squall's all set. His 'Sis' is getting this spot. We're just fighting for the hope that Cid overrides us onto the team." Joss replied.  
"Okay. If you say so."   
"Okay, troops! The mission is simple. Destroy robots, destroy Dollet soldiers. Got it?" Squall asked.  
"Yes, massa!" Joss replied.  
"WHAT? Well, have you got your GF's equipped?"   
"Um, yeah." Joss put three Materia onto his sword's blade.  
  
"Finally! You're here!" one of the soldiers yelled. "This thing's been causing us some serious chaos!"  
"Okay! Rock it!" Squall yelled out. Joss proceeded to take out his sword and cut it a few times. Ellone proceeded to go up to it and bitchslap it once. The Trepie proceeded to use a form of Degenerator on it, sending it down.  
"Excellent! Points: Ellone!"   
"You see what I mean?" Joss said. The three proceeded to fight their way to the center of town, continuing on this manner of style.  
"Okay. Each team is going to fight their way to this part from different sides. Once we've laid waste to them all, we'll turn on the Dollet troops. Got it?" Squall ordered.  
"Um, is that one of the obsolete tech styles?" Joss asked.  
"Um, no! Fight it!"  
Ellone went up to it and bitchslapped it once. The machine proceeded to knock Ellone out. Squall proceeded to use a Phoenix Down on her, reawakening her.  
"WHAT? SeeDs can't help on this test!" Joss replied.  
"Just do the work!" Joss proceeded to slice the machine a few times until it went bad. Ellone then proceeded to "connect" on the machine, doing absolutely no damage.   
"Looks like it's up to me," the Trepie yelled. She called on a GF and waited. "YES! IFRIT,.....Suddenly, the beast burst free and flew away from the battle, leaving nothing but some minor burns on Ellone and the Trepie's badly charred corpse in its tracks.   
"What happened there?" Squall asked.  
"I don't know...." Joss replied.  
"Quick, run! We'll check this out!" The three escaped and just waited.  
"Quick. Try and connect!" Squall replied.   
  
Squad B. (Steve.)  
  
"Okay, now, rule one: I'm in charge. Rule two: I'm in charge. Let's just head over to them and run through." Seifer yelled.  
"Roger, ya know!" Raijin replied.  
"Okay, man!" Steve replied. The three headed quickly through. "Hello! Techno-crap! Bring it on!" Seifer replied.  
"Um, Seifer..." Raijin said.  
"What?"  
"There's one in back of us..." Seifer turned around to see Steve trip up the machine and jam a large spike into its motherboard. "I didn't do all of that running for nothing, ya know?"  
"HEY! That's my line!" Raijin yelled. The three just kept going.   
"Ah! Finally! Another one! Now, I can rock!" Seifer yelled. However, by the time he finished, Steve had done his magic again. "IF YOU DO THAT ONE MORE TIME, I'LL CUT YOU!"   
They headed over to the center of town, where they confronted the machine that Squall and friends ran from. "Now, you'll see some shit happen." Seifer called for "No Mercy," but Steve's spike deflected it, sending it towards Raijin.   
"OW! Dude, don't do that stuff, ya know?"  
"Just for that..." Seifer drew his gunblade as Steve thrust his spike into Seifer's navel. "That's gotta hurt..." Raijin remarked.  
  
Squad G (Chaz.)  
  
"Come on, man, I don't need to work, right? I'm already assured a spot! Me and Rinoa were promised them, remember?" Irvine said.  
"Sorry, man. You'll need to show something." Zell replied.  
"But I'm low on ammo!" Irvine replied.  
"Come on. This just sucks. We have no chance at this, man!"  
"You know it. We'll do the work, Irvine will get the glory."  
The six touched down at the beach. "Okay, let's go." They immediately confonted a machine. Irvine put in some Dark Ammo, but it did no damage. "YOU FUCKING IDIOT! MACHINES don't get Status effects!" Chaz shouted. He proceeded to pull out a cross that he had made from Bomb Fragments he had came across and hurled it at the machine, then set the cross to explode, sending the machine to Valhalla while the cross reformed. The three headed towards the center of the city, Irvine wasting his Dark Ammo while his comrades caused things to blow up, be it by small fireworks aimed at strategic places or the explosion of the "fire cross." Eventually, they reached the town's center.  
"Is everyone here?" Squall asked.  
"Of course." Zell replied.  
"All the tech stuff done?"  
"You know it," Quistis replied.  
The seven squads waited. Finally, the troops came over to them.  
"Thank you so much for your help. We've been working to stop Esthar for so long..." the general said.  
"CHARGE!" Squall yelled. The squads all started to attack Dollet's troops, pushing them toward the second wave of Esthar soldiers, who crushed the weakened Dollet troops.  
"Hey, thanks!" the Esthar general yelled.  
"No problemo. Oh, yeah, tell Laguna we said hi." The cadets and SeeDs headed for their respective ships, yelling out, "SO LONG, SUCKERS!" as they sped out of view.  
  
Squall.  
  
"I've spoken with the SeeDs, here's each of their choices." Squall passed a list to Cid.  
"Well, first off, your friend Zell is a complete crackpot. We checked the battles. Irvine was useless out there. Jim Power and Chaz Mentall were just amazing. I'm disallowing the decision. The other two are on SeeD." Cid looked angry.  
"Well, you'll have to add three to it. I'm making Irvine one of my overrides." Squall replied.  
"Then all three made it, didn't they?" Cid answered. "Let's go through these: Ms. Heartilly takes Group E's choice, I agree with that, Fujin for Group D, I'm a little surprised, but I can see it, No one for groups F or C, I'd grant you that one, Hold up. Group B gets Seifer and Raijin? I'm sorry. If you can't see that Steve Quikstein was the best of the bunch, you're blind. He's my pick. I could see Seifer as a SeeD, though, so I'll allow that one..."   
"Okay then. Raijin's my other override." Squall replied.   
"Perfect," Cid said. "Now, let's go to yours. This shouldn't be too hard due to one member dying on the battlefield. You picked Ellone. Jossef was better than her. I'm disallowing it."  
"WHAT?"   
"Too bad, really. Shouldn't have used your last override, huh?" Cid said.  
"Oh, okay. Jossef's in." Squall thought to himself, "That boy is going to have the WORST time a SeeD could have..." 


	4. Default Chapter Title

Chapter 3.  
  
"Okay, those are the people who passed the SeeD exam, please meet up with Headmaster Cid in his office..." Squall replied.  
"A-HEM?" Cid replied afterwards.   
"Oh yeah, JossChazandSteveallpassedaswellgetyourassesupthere." Squall shot Headmaster Cid a dirty look as he walked by.   
"EXCELLENT!" Steve shouted. "All that work has finally paid off, huh?"   
"I don't know. I think they've got us planned to fail here. I mean, come on! Squall SO has it in for us..." Joss replied.  
"That's preposterous!" Chaz replied. "The guy's the commander. Why would he hate three insignificant people like us?"  
  
"Oh, god do I hate those three religious nuts," Squall thought as Cid made his test.  
"Um, um, what's my line? You heard it last year, Squall, right?" Cid said.  
"Oh, okay. You're SeeDs now. I am your God, your mommy, your master, I OWN YOU," Squall said. "You can commence with the pleasantries." Cid went over to each of them. Eventually, he got to the end of the line. "(Maybe now you'll stop wearing that freaking groove in the hallways, eh?)" he told Steve. "(Where'd you learn how to make that weapon?)," he asked Chaz. When he finally got to Joss, he simply stated, "(Never take shit from anybody. If you do, they're going to walk all over you.)"   
  
The new SeeDs all headed towards the class.   
"Have you got your speech set?" Joss asked.  
"Of course. Everyone writes theirs as quickly as possible. It's the virtual manner around here," Chaz replied.  
"Well, let's go say it. We've got...next to last?"  
"Um, yeah. Let's rock."  
  
The SeeDs all lined up to give their words of wisdom to the crowd of students.   
  
"I know I didn't fight for this thing, per se, but I still made SeeD! This rocks! I'd like to let all of you always remember: You too can succeed if you're screwing somebody who holds some stroke in these things!" Jen yelled.  
"I didn't...OH, WHO AM I KIDDING! I don't deserve this fucking honor and I probably never will!" Jocelyn stormed out of the room.   
"Um, I'd like to reiterate what my now-esteemed colleague Jen said about screwing someone in power for success, but I think I share everyone's feelings on that last person when I say, GEEZ! WHAT'S UP HER BUTT?" Rinoa shouted.   
"HA HA! You don't have to have brains anymore to be a SeeD! All you need is to know people! Shows how much you know, Mr. Smarty-Pants Chaz! EAT IT!" Irvine shouted.  
"FINALLY! These instructors have decided to give me what should have been my birthright! I did it! Ha! I AM THE GAME!" Seifer declared. Fujin headed up quickly afterwards, shouted "RAGE..." and left.   
"This rules! I was able to try and kill people here, then they put me on their ranks, ya know! Only in Balamb, or possibly America, could this happen..." Raijin replied.   
"On this, the greatest day of my time in Garden, all I can say is...YO! HOMIES! SUCKS TO BE YOU, HUH? I did it!" Jim yelled out.  
"I'd like to take this opportunity to thank the one person who helped me through all of my time at Garden, and that of course is the Lord, ...." Suddenly, the microphone cut off. "What the fuck just happened there?" Joss yelled out.   
"Whoops, my, um, gunblade slipped." Squall replied. "Ah, here's some electrical tape..." Squall proceeded to tape up the microphone cord. "Go on, you've said your piece, Shoo!" Squall called up Chaz.  
"When I was a little girl growing up in the poorest section of Harlem, I had only one real dream in life, and that of course, was to clone Charles Atlas in order to have sex with him. When I realized I would never have this dream come true, I decided to forgo it and head to the local kindergarten. There, I realized I was...different from all of the other little girls. I quickly started rolling drunks I found in the streets until I had scrimped and saved enough money, took a quick flight up to some Nordic country that I can't even remember right now, changed my gender, got a quick chemical peel, and just drifted from hash bar to hash bar until Cid picked me up to come to Garden. Under this time, I have risen the ranks to this great honor, where I am delighted to say right now...I'M ON DRUGS!!!!" Chaz yelled out, then stepped down. Squall started to make a "You're dead" motion, then quickly went over to Steve.  
"Well, I didn't really prepare a speech, because I always assumed I'd never be good enough for SeeD, but since I am..." Steve proceeded to motion to the side of the stage, where Chaz was manning a CD player. Once he got the signal, Chaz turned on a disco remix to "Eyes on Me." Once it started, Steve stripped to his briefs, revealing the words "SOY BOMB" tattooed on his chest and began to wildly, badly dance on stage. "THIS SPEECH IS OVER!" Squall yelled out.  
  
  
  



End file.
